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Young Writers Society



Prologue (rough draft)

by Cpt. Smurf


After all your comments I've re-written it. There still isn't that much action, but I feel it's a huge improvement to before. You may prove me wrong! I found it much more interesting to write, and I hope you'll find it more interesting to read.

[NOTE: this has nothing to do with my "The Outlands" series of stories, and it is not a prologue to those.]

* * * * * * * *

The night was quiet, yet there was a tense feeling in its silence. The land was preparing for change again. Another change that would direct the course of thousands of lives.

The land rolled into many hills, mist gathering in the narrow channels between them. A few lonely trees dotted the landscape, rustling in the slight breeze. The gentleness of this was unbroken across the land, except for the enormous gash of a canyon that appeared to have been ruthlessly gouged out of the ground.

Clouds scudded effortlessly across the sky, constantly blocking, constantly revealing the tiny sliver of moon. This intermittent blinking caused a supernatural effect on the huge, immensely tall fortress that resided in the gorge. Flickering into focus, flickering into shadow, the building appeared to belong to a different reality from the rest of the world. A long road led from the massive gates of the structure, rising steadily out of the canyon. It sliced its way through the hills, joined at random points by smaller tracks on either side, and made its way steadily over the horizon.

Suddenly, the gates opened with a clang, startling the armoured sentinel that stood outside. Out from between them strode a man, hooded and cloaked in dark green travelling clothes, leading a grey horse. His face was immersed in shadow.

He went over to the sentinel, raising a hand in greeting. A moment later the guard fell to the ground, his throat slit. The hooded man bent over him for a second, and then turned back to his horse. Mounting lightly, he rode a little way up the path. He stopped suddenly, remembering something. Turning his horse about, he grasped the bow tied to the saddle. Reaching behind him he pulled a single arrow from the quiver strapped to his back, and expertly fitted it to his bow. The guard patrolling the fortress from the balcony above the gates barely had a chance to hear the whistle of the arrow as it flew directly into his neck.

Satisfied, the rider took one last look back, before turning and riding up the hill. He had an air of impatience, however, as he had hardly come up out of the gorge before he spurred his horse into a gallop. A thick layer of cloud rolled over the moon, and as the man rode at full speed into the distance, the land plunged into darkness.


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Tue Jan 09, 2007 4:54 pm
Swires says...



No, you didn't take my "describe through character" advice. THere is a huge prelude of description that is seriously clogging up the story.

Its strange, outlands just isn't like this, there is just too much description.




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Mon Jan 08, 2007 9:17 pm
Cpt. Smurf says...



The reason for that would be 'sort of' explained later on in the book. At least, the reader would know why, but they wouldn't. :? Not making myself very clear, but this is the prologue to the first book in a series (I have big plans :P) so it would be fully explained throughout the duration of the series.
Oh, and there are only two guards because this takes place in a time of peace, so there would have been no need to have more than two.

Thanks for your crits,

Kaz




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Mon Jan 08, 2007 9:10 pm



I liked it.

But I wondering why no one notice that the guard(s) died. Most castles have more then two guard's protecting it.

Also why did this character killed the guard(s) anyway? Sport? Fun? Just plain evil?




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Mon Jan 08, 2007 8:41 pm
Cpt. Smurf says...



The "acting as though" really gives away the next sentence, I think, when it could have been more of a surprise. Instead maybe mention what he did to make it look that way (raised a hand in salutation, or something)?


Thanks, that was a really good tip.




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Mon Jan 08, 2007 8:40 pm
Lilyy03 wrote a review...



I just read the first version of this--you've made some good improvements. :)
But here are a few things I noticed that you may or may not want to tweak...

The beginning still has a bit too much focus on the setting, I think. I like it when there's a brief, meaningful setting description at the start of a story, but I think some of this you could rearrange so that it was interspersed with more action.

huge, immensely tall

Here are three words going towards the same thing, where I think one or two would have sufficed.

He went over to the sentinel, acting as though to make conversation. A moment later the guard fell to the ground, his throat slit.

The "acting as though" really gives away the next sentence, I think, when it could have been more of a surprise. Instead maybe mention what he did to make it look that way (raised a hand in salutation, or something)?

Anyway, it is a nice start and it looks like the story is going somewhere interesting. :)




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Mon Jan 08, 2007 8:27 pm
The Jesseble says...



That's much better!

Just one thing i'd like to say quickly is that in the fifth paragrph use more short sentences. Action scenes tend to flow better with snappy sentences.


Nice improvements!

Tj





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